Where we are

Ooops sorry I have been so absent from blogland lately. We’ve been a wee bit busy what with the move, planning the move, oh yeah and organising for the move. We’ve also been selling stuff, organising some really odd dinners with people (where we serve odd concoctions full of all the store cupboard items we can lay our hands on), and all the regular stuff as well. We’ve been super busy as we have lots of medical appointments as we are going to the fertility clinic. We have been hoping for a little one for quite a few years now and we were recently allowed to go speak to some of the best fertility doctors around. The NHS centre we have to go to also does private work and is world renowned so we are thanking our lucky stars we have been given this chance. We’ve had all of the tests and we are very close to starting treatments.

I’ve been really naughty though and not lost all of the weight I was tasked with so although we’ve got an appointment on Friday I don’t really think we’ll be getting help at the moment. That’s ok as they have dieticians and all sorts of people who can help if we need them too. More importantly is this amazing target we now have! We also know that when we move we’ll also be able to get any medical services we were receiving in the UK-which is a major boost! I’m still a bit cross with myself for being so silly. I guess whilst I was eating those slices of cake I didn’t really weigh up what it was worth, but least said better mended and all that!

We’ve been told that our Friday appointment will be our last one before treatment starts and it will be to discuss ‘What Having A Baby Means To Us’…hmmmmmmm a bit of an odd one really. I’m not sure what they really would want people to say. I know what I feel and I know what I would like to say, but it is all very ME or US centred. I want to care for/I want to give to/I want to share with…I keep second guessing myself thinking I should say something better.

Oh well, time will tell…just a wee update on what we’re up to! I hope everyone is enjoying this glorious Autumn!

Summer's a time of change...

Hello, Hello, I’ve been a bit dormant for a while in blog-land, but up to an awful lot in real life. Firstly, how awesome is it that the sun is actually shining?! It is brilliant to have the ability to hang out washing when I leave in the morning and come back when the working day is through and not curse myself all day long through rain clouds.

The sunshine has pushed me outside, but I have also been trying to stay very busy as TH is away with work again, and I can be kept sane by making myself go out for walks or do a thorough clean. It’s great that I can leave the windows wide open again, not something I’ve been able to do in this house.

I’ve also been trying to keep fit as we have finally got our appointment at the fertility clinic. Although I’ve lost weight I’m still just over the healthy bracket, so I want to get those last few lbs. shifted so that we can get on with things and hopefully get as much help from them as we can.

It is also very exciting that we may have a move ahead of us. TH had been asked to attend an interview for a job in Singapore, which of course he jumped at the chance to do. Last week he got told that he had the job if he wanted it, and because it is through his own work he has been able to fully explore what would be involved in the package that would get us over there. We’re still able to say no at any point and we should be getting a trip this year if we go so far into this.

Obviously we won’t just say anything to get it, but we really need to figure out who pays for what and any costs incurred by us. I’m trying not to get too excited until we know for sure, but me being me means that I have already been looking at apartments over there, and bulk storage facilities over here. I want a place that can offer one all-inclusive price that is secure. I looked for a while at some places where you rent from different people, but I just don’t feel like I could do that with so many things as I don’t want to take lots abroad. I also want somewhere that I can drop a whole bunch of things and they wheel them in to a big warehouse. No heavy lifting or lugging for me please! We also know that they accept deliveries for you if need be and we would also be able to get more space if need be. This might be something that needs to happen when we’re thinking of coming home again.

We are so far away from anything that is certain, but it will be an amazing opportunity to visit a new country and to save as we are pretty sure they’d be paying for quite a lot out there. However, I guess you can’t be 100% until it’s in writing.

So maybe, just for now at least, I will be excited about the progress with the clinic, and mostly about the fact the sun is shining!

Getting There

The ISA was opened earlier this month and it felt so good putting money away into it and knowing that this is the start of really taking control of things. Not only have we been blessed with great weather recently, it feels like things are finally all falling into place. Although I love Autumn and Winter I love it when we get a bout of sunshine that really cheers everyone up. Eating supper outside is such a simple pleasure, but such a treat. We’ve had great news too and are waiting for our first appointment at the fertility clinic. There are so few in the country that I can’t help but be grateful for the chance to attend one so easily. I know some people have to travel from the Highlands and Islands just to attend, so I really shouldn’t complain about my lot in life. I’m so happy that we are getting to visit this amazing establishment and are getting closer to real help. The help might be medical or counselling or anything they see fit, but I am so happy that we can now get over all of the confusion and sadness. I can celebrate that these things were never in my hands in the first place. There is a plan, and if there’s another person on earth to help show me what I can and can’t achieve then I can accept it and get on.

I guess there was a point when we really thought about babies or thought about money and saving and all it brought was unhappiness. We’re not supposed to overthink these things, most of what we worry about isn’t anything we can control. The money thing I could deal with, for too long I’d blamed others, but as soon as I copied my Mother and got myself a little note book it made sense. The baby thing was so far from being in my control that no wonder I drove myself crazy trying to ‘fix’ it. It seems like the moment I noticed that although I loved my job in a library, I couldn’t be with people who were so rude, nasty and deceitful to each other. I remember when I left and I spoke with my new colleagues, I was shocked that they weren’t horrible to me. The fog cleared and I could see that it was a good thing I got out of there. I could see no amount of money or job prospects mattered if I was deeply unhappy.

I feel like we’re slowly getting to where we should be. Not getting somewhere in a monetary or benchmark sense, but where we should be IN OURSELVES. Where TH and I were meant to be with regard to being calm, happy and settled. Not striving for more, just doing what people have always done and I am so thankful that we have that chance. We might get some treatments and they might be difficult, but we sure aren’t sitting hunched over trying to figure it out between us. I am so grateful that on Tuesday it’ll be us, waiting in a queue…and you know what? It might be the start of something really, really good.

Gone a bit AWOL

Eeeek, gads! I’ve been missing for a little while now. There’s been a fair amount of stress and horridness floating around for a little while now, but it seems like I’ve got all the facts and things are getting better.

The other day we found out that a possible reason we haven’t had a little one after four and a bit years of marriage is that I’ve got PCOS. I felt a bit gloomy after it, but then we got to thinking that it’s been there this whole time and nothing has changed, we might as well have a name for what’s going on.

We are having an argument with our old energy supplier who is just awful and continues to say that we owe them money without issuing an actual bill with dates on it. However we have contacted them to get their final say on the grievance, and if that doesn’t go well we’ll get the Ombudsman and I guess that’s out of our hands for a little while too.

The final straw the other day was when I heard of a horrible case of animal cruelty. I’d been trying to stay positive with lots of little stresses floating around and when I heard about it I just couldn’t bottle it up any longer. Although I can’t stop these people TH suggested we ‘adopt a pony’ or something similar and get money to a charity that helps animals.

I can’t think of anything worse than having a whole string of negative thoughts in your head at once that you just can’t seem to shake off. I went to bed incredibly early on Wednesday for a mope and a moan and after a very big cuddle from TH we started to get things in perspective.

I think I stayed away for a little while as I didn’t have anything good or happy to say. I didn’t have a nice story or a happy tale. We’d had anger and frustration, disappointment and disbelief. I hope now we’re getting a handle on these things and starting to get them sorted out at least in our own heads.

The worth of books?

I guess if you’ve followed or read this blog for any length of time you’d know either that I'm a librarian or that I love books. The book thing is pretty self evident, only if you’ve known me for mere moments, you’d catch on pretty quickly.

Before heading to work the other day I caught a little bit of the news-I always keep either Chris Evans or BBC 1 on in the morning so I can see the time as I run about trying to iron things or find accessories. Anyway, I will get back to the point! I heard a little segment all about reading and so thought I would give myself five minutes to actually SIT and listen. I was so upset to hear that one in three children come from a home with less than ten books. Now I don’t know if that was only in England and Wales-because it was about the curriculum which is different in those countries, or if it was the UK, or in fact GB, but the fact remains the same.

In no way at all do I mean that I was thinking of children from homes where parents don’t collect all the ‘stuff’ that I do here, and I certainly wasn’t upset to think of little ones that have so many visits to various libraries that they just don’t bother buying books. I instantly thought of little ones not encouraged. Not the ones that it’s hard to pin down, just the ones left to their own devices, flailed about, failed and didn’t try again.

I feel lucky that I work in an environment where the children are already brought in, either because they do have encouraging parents or the children do want to read or learn. We, at that point, haven’t fought the battle. We have these little sponges eager to learn, they are placed right in front of us, and we give them whatever they want. I am so lucky that we aren’t fighting a loosing battle once I attend work. It’s the meetings and what not that we have to prove our worth, but once we’re in the building we are instantly thought highly of by little ones. We give them all the time in the world to find exactly what they want-no matter how odd sounding the request is. We’re the ones that give their grown-ups the stories that get read to them at night time.

I know I don’t have any little ones, and boy is it easy to make promises when carrying them through isn’t going to happen any time soon. But I certainly pray that I will always have the energy to give a child attention when it comes to books. I think the world of any people that trudge down to their local library in the pouring rain. The grown ups that escort their little ones down in the snow, tugging them in little red sledges, piled up with books to return and replace. YOU are heroes to me! Not only do you keep me in a job-thanks for that too-you actually make me think the world can be an ok place for the children brought into it!

Little visitors

A couple of days ago The Husband and I had a lovely time visiting his Mother, when quite unexpectedly our nieces came around. It was a great surprise as I really miss spending time with little Emma, who I used to baby-sit when The Husband and I first started dating, and I never seem to get enough time with the new baby in the family, Keira.  I do have lots and lots of pictures of the little ones, but i don't want to pop any up on here just yet.  I'd much rather wait until they are a teensy bit older, and then I can show them off like crazy!!  Although both Mums did say it would be O.K. I want to be really selfish and keep them all to myself.

Keira and her gorgeous Mummy came around first to say hello, I must say that Keira is the happiest, best behaved baby I’ve ever seen. Honestly, I’ve only heard her upset once, and she does the cutest little bag puss yawn when she is sleepy! After that she just snoozes away quite happily!! So after The Husband and I argued over who was going to hold her first we were quite the thing for a couple of hours, shaking hands, kissing her head and singing songs kept us-if not Keira-entertained!

Little Emma popped round and had us in stitches when she started telling her little stories. She had been to the showies a couple of days earlier and was still buzzing from the penny slots and pretend fire engine!

I am now starting to think The Husband and I are lucky to have this time with the little ones, but we still get to go home and out to our local for a Pub Lunch if we want! I think this especially after hearing all of the talking toys-I honestly hope its quite normal not to have these, as I won’t want these anywhere near our home when we are blessed! They are so noisy, constantly chattering away in the oddest accents, maybe when we are blessed I will be quite happy to throw these things in our child’s general direction…anything to keep them amused!!

All in all it was a lovely day and really great fun to get to catch up with so many people at once. I cant wait to have our home buzzing with the children of all our visitors, as we’ve never had a garden of our own before, and we are now so close to the beach and I'm sure Emma will agree that there would be many a pretty shell to collect there!!  I really can not wait to start reading stories to Keira, lots and lots of Princess, Fairy stories, any stories, I just want to fill the heads of all children with make believe and fun! 

Bye for now,

Sheila

x

Lazy ways and seaside days

The husband and I have had a lovely day out at the beach in the sunshine. The golden, soft sand trickled around our fingers as we grasped it lazily while sunbathing. Daisy dog sat with her ball, wet and salty from our trip into the sea, while the husband simply bathed himself in the glorious warmth. We set up camp at the foot of a sand dune and spread our blanket out and half buried our juice so they wouldn’t fall over.

I sat and watched little children run, work and play; there were families all around us enjoying the amazing weather-a massive departure from the snow that battered us all the way through Autumn, Winter and Spring! The children carried buckets, spades, ice creams and bandy nets; they really were laden down with all sorts of accoutrements, but they didn’t care one jot! They were clearly on a mission as they diligently worked at their castles and moats. Some set about digging their way to Australia while the little boy one beach towel away made a highway for his car in the sand.

Its amazing what children can make toys out of, or how the most amazing days can be relatively free for parents. I had a moment, a moment that comes to me when I am quiet or thoughtful, when I began to picture what I expected of my life when I ‘planned’ it out, six months ago, a year ago, two years ago… By now almost everyone around me knows that I have been wishing for a baby for this family, I wish that I could make this longing go away-but one day it will all be worthwhile and I know that I will be able to nurture the growth of somebody that needs it one day. I hope that I can take that person to the beach and let them play in the sand. Really let them ‘be’ and discover the things in life that don’t cost much, but will stick in their memories forever.

For now I am learning to be complete with what I have, there is a small space inside of me right now that I feel needs to be filled, filled with the love for a baby or somebody to care for and protect. However, my life with my husband is amazing-that is to say when we close the door in our home everything is amazing, everything is at the very least safe and the best it can be for the moment. I am happy with what I have now, and I am learning to deal with the rest. I have my husband and he is the most amazing support, confidant and best friend-I would pick him again and again as my own, and only wish I had earlier!

Sheila x

Just when you need it

I didn’t really know where to go from the last post, I was sort of hiding on the sidelines wondering if I said too much, and if I would have upset anybody. When I finally plucked up the courage to peek back onto this online world I noticed a comment from a lovely and kind person (Amanda over at http://meandyouat22.blogspot.com/) going through the whole ‘wishing I had a baby’ thing too. Not only was I extremely touched by this sweet move, but I feel so completely happy to know that I haven’t hurt anybody with my comments, especially as I know I’m not the worst off person in the world.

I would just love to say that the comment really made my day and was like a giant virtual hug!!

On to some other things though….slightly happier...well… I have turned 25! I was sort of fretting about this age as I thought I should have had a full time career, a child and a home by now, but no matter-we had a lovely day!! I got many beautiful and thoughtful presents. My Grama and Mum bought me gift vouchers for a beauty salon (are they trying to tell me something?!) At least now I can get rid of these horrible split ends!!

We got two cakes, one was a set of pink sparkle packed cupcakes, yes there are only two in the picture, but its only because we had a couple to ourselves before i could find a camara!!  The other one was a surprise, i think because the husband had already bought the candles and wanted to light them up-so he had a get a cake that wasn't just pure buttercream!

Though i do have to say, my Birthday was not the only one that was celebrated!!  Daisy Dog had a Birthday 'party' the day after mine!

The husband

Yet again we are in the midst of another gout attack. The husband is in so much pain and I can literally do nothing to help at all. The heated blanket is of more use than me, which is a pain as I see him in agony and all I can think is how I can hover around him. Things are a bit rubbish at the moment, work is being a pain (I love the patrons though), I'm saving for holidays and although I know it will be worth it-its such a pain being stony broke at the moment, plus-and this is the super big one, I am dreadfully jealous of any Mother I spot….terrible, I know.

Its not that I am a mean person devoid of compassion, I'm just terribly broody and having my teeny niece about me has only made me think of having a child of our own that would grow up with said niece. I do have another niece and nephew, however they are 16 and 13 respectively and we never expected to be an Aunty and Uncle again. Add that with the fact we thought WE’D be next for having a baby. URGH- I hate feeling like this. I do try to think of the fact that I am only 24 and so have plenty of time to become a Mother…I think I was born at the wrong time, I have always been ready for marriage and babies.

The husband has been absolute bedrock during this time, and I only wish I could now be there for him. Its horrible seeing him so sore he is nearly sick, I am just praying that he gets better and when he can walk again we’ll try to eat as healthy as possible and do anything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen again.



x x x

Post Christmas pondering

Well, what a lovely Christmas was had by all in the HH household! I’ve had the bang of drums (of the band hero kind), the shouts from ‘bop-it’, and the constant dings and chimes of various hand held consoles! This, I will just remind you, is from a home where no little ones live. My darling husband and I have been making all of this noise by ourselves!!

We’ve had a couple of visitors, and we ourselves in turn have made a few visits, but I’ve loved having this time to ourselves. I remember being in Luing this time last year. There was the excitement of Catherine expecting a baby- now little baby Richard, there was tiny little Robert teetering around on his unsteady legs, and there was the excitement of a new year just around the corner.

It’s very odd to think of what we expected to achieve by this time last year. I don’t ever really write it down- mostly as I am certainly the kind of person to run out of steam before March, but I also think its best not to write it down as you can always follow a different path. A happy, wonderful path, but a slightly different one never the less. We had thought we would be blessed with a baby and that I would be in full time employment. However, I love my job-even if it is part time. It is working in a public library, as opposed to an academic one, which I thought would be my dream job. We also are lucky enough to have made the decision not to try for a little one, and so be disappointed by the baby free way we’re going into the New Year.

The things I’m looking forward to in 2010 are my new little Niece by my DH’s sister Nicola. She is ready to pop and we are desperately hoping that the snow clears for them making their way to the hospital when the time comes. On a personal note, we are hoping for our own little miracle to happen this year. We are sure that we will be making steps for having our own baby and I’m proud that we are making the usual promise of being healthier etc… etc…, but we know we will stick to it as we need to keep ourselves in excellent health, especially me as I will be carrying someone who will have no power over all of the rubbish I normally put into my body!