Getting There

The ISA was opened earlier this month and it felt so good putting money away into it and knowing that this is the start of really taking control of things. Not only have we been blessed with great weather recently, it feels like things are finally all falling into place. Although I love Autumn and Winter I love it when we get a bout of sunshine that really cheers everyone up. Eating supper outside is such a simple pleasure, but such a treat. We’ve had great news too and are waiting for our first appointment at the fertility clinic. There are so few in the country that I can’t help but be grateful for the chance to attend one so easily. I know some people have to travel from the Highlands and Islands just to attend, so I really shouldn’t complain about my lot in life. I’m so happy that we are getting to visit this amazing establishment and are getting closer to real help. The help might be medical or counselling or anything they see fit, but I am so happy that we can now get over all of the confusion and sadness. I can celebrate that these things were never in my hands in the first place. There is a plan, and if there’s another person on earth to help show me what I can and can’t achieve then I can accept it and get on.

I guess there was a point when we really thought about babies or thought about money and saving and all it brought was unhappiness. We’re not supposed to overthink these things, most of what we worry about isn’t anything we can control. The money thing I could deal with, for too long I’d blamed others, but as soon as I copied my Mother and got myself a little note book it made sense. The baby thing was so far from being in my control that no wonder I drove myself crazy trying to ‘fix’ it. It seems like the moment I noticed that although I loved my job in a library, I couldn’t be with people who were so rude, nasty and deceitful to each other. I remember when I left and I spoke with my new colleagues, I was shocked that they weren’t horrible to me. The fog cleared and I could see that it was a good thing I got out of there. I could see no amount of money or job prospects mattered if I was deeply unhappy.

I feel like we’re slowly getting to where we should be. Not getting somewhere in a monetary or benchmark sense, but where we should be IN OURSELVES. Where TH and I were meant to be with regard to being calm, happy and settled. Not striving for more, just doing what people have always done and I am so thankful that we have that chance. We might get some treatments and they might be difficult, but we sure aren’t sitting hunched over trying to figure it out between us. I am so grateful that on Tuesday it’ll be us, waiting in a queue…and you know what? It might be the start of something really, really good.